(Source: jeremyspring)

This city, this world is abstract with creativity, inventions, and progress … much is happening in the day to day essence of what we claim to be normalcy.  It’s nights like these where I dig deeper through the okay atmosphere, an atmosphere that is even with the exhale of the day.  It’s the part where all is well.  Despite my actor’s mind to be looking for conflict, or perhaps coupled with that default thought process itself, I hear my soul begging. It’s as if my own soul has hands knocking on a locked and padded door, sound proof so we can hear the most important priorities of the day that we allow to control our attention.  Attention.  As attentive as we are to us, to our happenings, to our dreams, to our little worlds we are building, I find myself skimming over the heart of god as quickly as to Him I make known a need.  This is honest, this is not written so that you will feel convicted, though if there is a conviction please let there be a change after these words because of the sincere companionship of the holy spirit for the betterment of our souls…but this is me.  I see such an above average race of people, so complex and unique, as bored as we are inventive, as exhausted as we are busy, may we never forget the reason for our journey.  I said it in conversation that sometimes this western life feels so normal it’s as if God doesn’t even exist.  It’s not that people are denying God around here, it’s that we, it’s that I haven’t stopped to acknowledge him, I want to say, “as often as I should”…though, “often” is not enough— I should acknowledge him always for he is the heartbeat beneath the momentary awe, the reason as constant as the galaxy hangs. Attention!  He craves moments with us.  He craves life with us.  I crave love.  I crave attention.  I crave to be known.  He knows.  He’s holding out his love letters of promises to me that I can so quickly thumb through with a dispassionate heart not because of anything but my own humanly lack of godly luster.   May I shed these patterned threads like coats that hold me with pretend sleeves, these meaningless amounts of worry I wrap become a noose sense all they do is exist to choke the very essence of the present season.  As erratic as my thoughts are here, this holds a true example of my heart when it’s lost it’s aim.  I become subject to projects with subjects of self-indulgence and then I’m accidentally perfectly opposing his purpose of freedom and love by my own will.  I start to feel a movement, the tectonic plates of my surface-living break, it’s a quake causing me to question as seriously as gravity grabs its belongings, I pause.  It’s that word we Christians are obsessed with, Selah, to pause and think.  I pause and I think.  It’s that perspective we audiences are obsessed with, a paused panoramic view demonstrated in the film Inception..where we zoom out and see the big picture.  (Am I cliche for saying that?  A friend once said, it’s only cliche because it’s true.  I like it.)  I want to include you with me now.  I want summarize with, “let us remember” but “remembering” requires a time of forgetting, so I will say this: let us live in such a way that His spirit is both beneath everything we do and is evident in all that we are.  And when it seems unlikely and consistently a conflict to decide Jesus, it’s right there we stop, recognizing that we will never be free from this conflict until we unite with him for eternity, and then take that moment, and give thanks.  Let’s acknowledge him.  Let’s give him attention.  Let’s give him our attention.  And pray for each other to be strong, for the holy spirit to be evident in our choosing and living.

Let us live in the sweet presence of our saviour. 

<3 cb

July 20, 2011

<3

You know, the band with the one that goes “All the other kids with the pumped up kicks..” Yeah, them.

Non-sequitor moment before worth sharing:

Guy: That’s quite a diary

Me: Eh, it’s grown over the years..

Guy: You transcribing?

Me: Exposing.

Guy: Just the Jesus, right?

If he only knew… 

April 8, 2011

Some quote movie lines, others silent with the mundane, their shimmery monotony, others “below” only hope for their kind of pursed lips and sour after-tastes, some bicker into mobile devices, others hides their social lives between the cyber spaces, some sip espresso in their jean jackets, others read papers as floppy as their toupees.  Me?  I don’t so much mind spendig a wad of cash on a honey cilantro avacado grilled chicken panini with fries to be dipped in mango ketchup.  Mango ketchup.  What an idea!  I am healthy, I am full.  I am inspired, and I am appreciative with every pound of myself.  Oh, how much life I have to live!  People approach me more these days.  I’d like to say I’m approachable.  A product of our productive generations before, we’re burried in to technology like cavemen who’ve discovered how to read language.  We’re puzzled faces, seemingly so focused on the applications that serve to entertain.  What happened to puzzles?  What happened to thought?  We’re expressive in our posessive proclaimations, brief in conversation, and at the same time ignorant to understanding the art and growth to be had in communicating, or perhaps we know such truth as in what power a conversation holds and we’ve subconciously made it the addictive ingrediant, talking, the technology caffiene that we declare to be priority over family and relationships, declaring it to be kin and relationship savvy, declaring it to be fine because we are inbetween conversation with the immediate and immediately available, which is not nessesarily negative nor false, hear me.  Perhaps, I aim to beautify and garden that which rings true to me, those seeds called undiscovered ideas that conversations can uncover, the warmth experienced between two radiant hearts who meet, eager to speak, the electricity that occurs when people are together— yet who am I to say technology lessons such moments, which it certainly lives to enhance, the Apple ideas are what we hold in our branches, our fingertips’ slang shared and we have but that innovator to thank, that somebody who met with their community and enhanced a fantasy, all for six billion beings’ enjoyment.  We are enjoying, but are we fully coherant and thinking?  As much an equivelant pleasure I, too, experience in screens and typing, I like and find it imparative to seclude myself to pen and paper, sun to skin, ideas to visuals, and ink something worth remembering, even if it’s a common observation or likely word like laptop.  People laugh when they meet, they cry and dance, they shake their head and smack their food, they listen, because they must, for a presence before them awaits their eyes and feedback, searching glances, raised eye-brows and those freckles between arches of color that say everything, beyond words, text, and emotocons.  We wipe our mouths publically, drink empty our glasses out of quiet transitions in conversations, not thirst: we order drinks when we aren’t even thirsty, but we enjoy it, we find comfort in it, women fix their hair and think about their words like their appearance, men finally have to have the last word, despite their cyber-silence, some men act more femanine seen because they think it’s polite, others have wandering eyes a screen could never detect, a virus not recognized behind plastic reasons called codes, and somehow I want to throw in the word embed…we choke, we’re real, and make our ideas sound important through tones and sing-songy interpretations of thought; we can explain sci-fi, spark interest by a quick approach or witty reference with flowery rhetoric enchanting to the chewing ear.  Eyes scan.  Hearts manipulate through photos once called a color exposition, funny.  Exposition…

I’ve lived many days and today feels as if I am only beginning.  My bones are fresh, my body brand new.  My lungs are pumped with the purest kind of ocean air, and all I can exhale is the day.  My back is silk, unfamiliar with life’s lashes, but somehow my soul is alert as if it’s eyes need contacts to see past history’s fog.  I’m a being of opportunity.  What’s in me?  I enjoy hearing scripts and video games being created to my left, writers.  Talkers I thought we all were, yet what’s more is thought to print, what’s innovative is ours to permit.  Why do we waste away?  Why recreate?  There is a definite applause I hear in the distance acknowledging what we establish now, what we title new.  Crazy to think inspiration and new are but old, aged ideas, yet who makes the taste flavorful but time?  I’d like to think we’re powerful enough to embark upon revelation creativity, art started by Michaelangelo and Piccasso, but extended and further chipped and tried, discovered by beings on planet earth on April 8th, 2011.

Here we are.  Idenitify the beckoning project beginning and articulate what we question and what we know.

After an emotional morning, I turned the page in my journal to start anew, a new thought, idea, something.  I grabbed my bible, searched my heart for what I needed then for probably the fifth time this week, Ephesians 1.  Clearly, the Holy Spirit had more for me.  I’ve never spoken the word in my own language like I did here, but I wanted to share what was revealed to me.  Here is my interpretation:

Ephesians 1.

I belong to Christ.  GOD LOVES ME.  God chose me.  I am holy.  I am without fault in His eyes.  I am His, adopted into His family.  Being in His family gives God great pleasure.  God is kind.  Serving the Lord brings me freedom and my sins are forgiven because of Jesus.  He showers His kindness on me, He pours His widom and understanding on me like a flood.  The Lord has strategized a plan and told me the secret; it is a plan based on Jesus which gives God pleasure.  The secret?  Everything will surrender to Jesus in the perfect time, both celestial and earthly, but what’s more is what’s in store for the adopted ones, we will not only receive all that belongs to God and all he has originally promised us, but we will be absolute in our kinship to him, as we are affirmed by the connection of his glory to us, his kids.  And we aren’t His by default, but by request, hand-picked, selected as significant, from the start of time, knowing we would fail and in our flesh disspoint the Lord, but with certainly high hopes, he requested us.  His strategy, from the start, was that we who began to put faith and trust in Jesus should respond to the Spirit through praise and honor, worshipping the one who deserve our esteem, our affections, and our attention.  Now, you know, God is our rescuer, and that is salvation, that underground-railroad kind of freedom with red bloodspilled ribbons on the lanters of a household we dwell.  He’s snuck us through and outwitted our nemisis, our original kinship to the flesh and all of its affiliations has been reassigned to a Father who heals the lashes, sees no division or rank, but is the co-signer of our souls with the mission stamped by Jesus, he ends our slavery to the master of this world and all his dry land.  At the exact moment you decided to respond to Christ’s call, he crowned you with the most expensive jewels made by the most innovative creator to say you’re mine, gave you His seal, His signant ring, His last-name, His approval, His word that you belong to Him, and those jewels that affirmation, that kinship is confirmed and embodied by a third part of the trinity called the Holy Spirit, who literally finds his home within your spirit, calls your soul the Lord’s, and comforts you when you feel unworthy, reminding you about grace, about forgiveness, about who you belong to, nomatter what, nomatter what your past or present mistakes, short-comings, incompletedness, inadquecies, or boredom has caused you to do, the Holy Spirit guides you and teaches you new ways to live, new ways to think, and He waits for your questions that the world manipulates to be reasons for disbelief in the Holy One.  The reassuring part about having the Holy Spirit, is that He is the fulfillment of God’s promised salvation, also, of God’s promise that He will never leave us nor forsake us, that riddle we always ponder and secretly wonder about how a being can be omni-present.  What’s more is that in God’s fulfillment of His promise by giving us His Holy Spirit there is proof that He cares enough to follow through with His promises so that He can build trust with us.  He understands our humanity and how difficult it is for us to trust anything without proof, which is why he is over the moon and pleased, actually declaring us to be righteous when we simply put belief in Him.  Having the Holy Spirit with us represents the Father’s ability to always provide that which He has promised.  The Holy Spirit also signifies how expensive we are to the Lord, how much thought, care, love, hope, and value He puts and has in us by literally purchasing our sins at the highest ransom the world and the universe could ever bid, that is, the price of His own son, His word, His joy, His own heart’s death, then again, proves His power by reviving that which sin kills, and creates life for not only one man with a kindship to the Father, but threads in us all the ability to be His, and His forever, by the relation of the omni-present Holy Spirit.  We long to be right, we long to be enough, we know we are faulty, untrustworthy, and imperfect.  God knows that, too, but sees an inkling of possibility for a relationship with us if maybe we choose to respond.  He risks rejection from us, keeping a knocking hope that maybe one day we’d change our minds and choose to crack the door open a bit for maybe a conversation, maybe and introduction, maybe move a little past small talk and allow yourself the freedom of a heart ventilation and speak as you so easily can a stanger with some random hope that he’s listening and might have something helpful to exchange, maybe then a hand on your shoulder, to an opening desire to speak a little more often, to in fact learning there is water from this well, a babbling brook that speaks relatable timely truths to you right where you are, a friend, who listens, and speaks, counsels and consoles, that stranger you weren’t sure to let in, but you took a chance to befriend, and now you find a wealth of wisdom and a matching need of relationship between you— nomatter how much you say you’re fine alone, you spot that hole in you like you do in others who spoon-feed themselves tasty things that never quench the soul…that kind of life has now become a far-gone memory from this ocean of love before you as it washes you with waves of kindness, humor, joy, claps you into your next set of days, cheers you on through currents, and eases you back on to the warm sunlit shore for rest.  You look at yourself in the water’s mirror and can recognize a face, your old tired eyes now reflect the vibrant life you recognized in the pools of pupils you met.  Before, you were yours, a source of self, a soul that provides intentions, feelings, repetition, and spuratic dilapidated direction.  Yet, a new source of peaceful navigation quiets your noisey seas, once tossed with highs and lows, fighing its own whirlpool of questions and cravings of serenity; a once typhoon-like being of cold meets warm until a gravity-defiant kind of love funnels up, and an overwhelming evaporation occurs with a slurp of your merky tries and get-bys, feelings of being inadequate and we’re bloated when we weigh-in because we’re buoys of hearts overloaded.  Suddenly, a presence precipitates and washes the muck and with His promise of forever, and our trust of seeing Him here right now, he pulls us in.  This is reason enough to give Him praise. 

I’m so glad someone in the 1800s people-watched and made note.  R.W.E. made bare what’s beneath our instincts and expressions and his exposition is to this day a testiment to our disposition.  We live or avoid living from the core of who we are; we do, however, give this world dimension when we truly live from our hearts. 

April 24, 1841

“I frequently find the best part of my ride to the Concord Coach from my house to Winthrop Place to be in Prince Street, Charter Street, Ann Street & the like places at the North End of Boston.  The dishabille of both men & women, their unrestrained attitudes & manners make pictures greatly more interesting than the cleanshaved & silkrobed procession in Washington & Tremont Streets.  I often see that the attitudes of both men & women engaged in hard work are more picturesque than any which art & study could contrive, for the Heart is in these first.  I say picturesque; because when I pass these groups, I instantly know whence all the fine pictures I have seen had their origin:  I feel the painter in me; these are the traits which make us feel the force & eloquence of form & the sting of color.  But the painter is only in me; it does not come to the fingers’ ends.  But whilst I see a true painting, I feel how it was made; I feel that genius organizes, or it is lost.  It is as impossible for the aspirant to paint a right picture, as for grass to bear apples.  But when the genius comes, it makes fingers, it is pliancy & the power of translating the circumstances in the street into oils & colors.  Raphael must be born & Salvator must be born.  It is the gift of God, as Fanny Elssler can dance & Braham can sing, when many a worthy citizen & his wife however disposed can by no culture either paint, dance, or sing.  Do not let them be so ridiculous as to try, but know thou, know all, that no citizen, or citizen’s wife, no soul, is without organ.  Each soul is a soul or an individual in virtue of its having or I may say being a power to translate the universe into some particular language of its own; if not into a picture, a statue, or a dance, why then, into a trade, or an art, or a science or a mode of living, or a conversation, or a character, or an influence— into something great, human, & adequate which, if it do not contain in itself all the dancing, painting, & poetry that ever was, it is because the man is faint hearted & untrue.”

June-July, 1841

I value my welfare too much to pay you any longer the compliment of attentions.  I shall not draw the thinnest veil over my defects, but if you are here, you shall see me as I am.  You will then see that though I am full of tenderness, and born with as large hunger to love & to be loved as any man can be, yet its demonstrations are not active & bold, but are passive & tenacious.  My love has no flood & no ebb, but is always there under my silence, under displeasure, under cold, and even in weak behaviour.  ~*~ I think that only is real which men love & rejoice in— not the things which starve & freeze & terrify them.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Sometimes I wish I wrote in my journal as much as I texted.  The point is, today I go to my first ever movie premiere.  The timing of everything is absolutely divine, as in God designed.  I am exceedingly grateful on the daily.  As the days pass, I work hard and steadfast towards the big picture and the big dream, but Jesus has this way of making me stop, breathe, and relax.  I love him for that.  He has come through in numerous ways this week: provided funds and favor for me to meet my needs, and totally blessed me in the category of wants, which as Christians we easily dismiss, but I believe those desires in us are just as important to the Lord as the are to our “flesh”.  For example, I asked the Lord for a dress, not like anyone else’s, and one I could afford for this premiere event.  I made my request known to him, and went about my week, telling him I’m trusting him.  I babysat last Sunday night (three days before the event, still no dress) for this awesome couple; the dad does audio for television series and is also a passionate docu film director, and his gorgeous wife was a designer.  As I picked up the dishes and grabbed my purse, we began talking about the exciting event and I asked the wife if she had any sure ideas for these sort of events…two minutes later we’re trying on gowns she saved from the European runways when her line Ziji was in effect.  It’s amazing how far a question can go, paired with the kindness of genuinely good people.  She helped me find a seamstress to hem the dress for me and everything.  I went to (the sketchiest part of) town yesterday to tailor the golden gown and parked at a broken meter because I decided to trust the local latino guys who nodded at me across the street that it was OKAY to park there (smart, cb), up two flights of wooden stairs, greeted by charlie, a protective “five foot tall” puppy, and literally found myself in a room full of hispanic people with about five sewing machines, thirty different colored spools of thread, and a language barrier the size of Mexico, but thankfully my contact woman Lora, was bilingual and multi-talented managing a business and making time for little ladies like me who save their pennies.  I shook hands with Antonio, the tailor, twenty minutes later, had a dress in my size.  I sat there smiling at this moment, taking it all in, the aunty singing as she sewed, and all the hard work being done around me for a small boutique not many people venture to, excited about the gown, and then by default I wanted to status something on facebook about it.  I realized how hilarious we are with our public statements, how easy it is that we can create our own worlds to be so much better than they are.  I thought of ways to phrase this moment: downtown la on a penthouse with designers custom making my dress for the Soul Surfer Premiere!  I’ll play the victim and say I’m branded by our self promoting culture.  I giggled and let my imagination linger to one day.. We’re a funny breed.  She charged me ten bucks, we hugged, and I left with an appreciation for small businesses, small budgets, and small talk from guys on the street seeing as how I didn’t have a ticket mounted on my car.  Relieved. 

Today, I’m painting my nails, splurging on a little make-up, and curling my hair for an absolute ball.  I know once my career expands, I’ll allow myself more things here and there, but mark my blog, I will never misuse what I am given.  I am learning to be a good steward of what I have.  Things things things.  The point is, I am grateful.  Today is great.  Today marks the continuation of the dream spoken, the life predestined by God himself.  I sipped my coffee to these verses that so edified themselves to my being, I could have cried.  I know it’s grammatically incorrect to quote without explaination, but I believe these words speak for themselves, so I will let them:

EPHESIANS 1 

² Grace and peace to you from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ.

Praise for Spiritual Blessings in Christ

 ³ Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. ⁴ For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love ⁵ he^[b] predestined us for adoption to sonship^[c] through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will— ⁶ to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves. ⁷ In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace ⁸ that he lavished on us. With all wisdom and understanding, ⁹ he^[d] made known to us the mystery of his will according to his good pleasure, which he purposed in Christ, ¹⁰ to be put into effect when the times reach their fulfillment—to bring unity to all things in heaven and on earth under Christ.

 ¹¹ In him we were also chosen,^[e] having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will, ¹² in order that we, who were the first to put our hope in Christ, might be for the praise of his glory. ¹³ And you also were included in Christ when you heard the message of truth, the gospel of your salvation. When you believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, ¹⁴ who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession—to the praise of his glory.

Thanksgiving and Prayer

 ¹⁵ For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all God’s people, ¹⁶ I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. ¹⁷ I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit^[f] of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. ¹⁸ I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people, ¹⁹ and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is the same as the mighty strength ²⁰ he exerted when he raised Christ from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, ²¹ far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every name that is invoked, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. ²² And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, ²³ which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.

Usually I steer clear of Christian radio because of it’s watered down seeker sensitive I mean “positive” messages.  As I almost skimmed over this particular speaker whom I’ve skimmed over before, I listened a moment longer.  To my surprise, he started speaking on some real truth: the end times.  He began headlining the book of Revelations and talking about the technology and the anti-christ (of course relating the two), but what kept my attention was how adamant he was about a revival.  He said if we as the body really decided to listen to Jesus and spread love through the power of the Holy Ghost, doing miracles signs and wonders (I paraphrase as these are the results I have seen in revival), if we dedicate ourselves to His cause, then maybe our Western society, though it’s dollar decreases, could be used mightily.  He began listing how businesses would change, how industries would change, then he joked about how all industries would ignite with the exception of Hollywood.  His congregation laughed, and he became another “relatable” preacher that’s hip with our culture and it’s leaders.  I felt a stab in my heart when I heard the laughter of the church resound from mockery to a joint effort to declare reaching Hollywood as impossible.  Even if it was a passing joke, I was saddened at such a thought.  I began to think about how we don’t joke or write-off Africa, with it’s evident need of love and ministry.  Africa, full of violence, starvation, the pits that plays our gratitude song so we can feel a little bit better about our American lives….I monologue now…but it’s true.  We see such a need across the seas and my question is, have we neglected what can be done amongst the crowd around us?  I’m guilty of overlooking God’s people around me in monumental hopes for other cultures and nations that I have think I will influence or inspire with love.  Don’t get me wrong, we are all called to our own corners of the map, but let us not forget the daily calling upon our lives, to reach those around us.  For me, that is Hollywood.  I’m not saying everyone in the biz is completely lost and confused, some of them may be completely fine and taken care of, especially with their pay rate.  I’m talking about a revival, an awakening of our souls that identifies our D.N.A. with that of the creator’s, so much so that we cannot help but see his love minister through miracles, opportunities, programs, classes, new inventions, cures, actual evidence, supernatural wisdom and prosperity unlike generations before.  This is the kind of life we are called to in christ, not a dull day to day with hopes of a summer missions trip to maybe get out of our comfort zone— and for some of us, that’s what we need, but before we go on with our journeys and continue into our callings, instead of making exceptions for specific cultures, let’s ask God how?  What is your strategy for your love infusion?  What is your way?  Funny how we always pray His will, His way, but the scriptures clearly identify His will is for us to love our neighbor and ourselves, and to love the father with everything in us.  He has a strategy to reach whatever cultural group he puts on your heart to reach.  Before I start a new chapter here, let me tie it up here:  ask him for his way, his how-to, and allow him to expand and change your mind to a new dimension of possibility.